This was originally supposed to be a birthday post, where I wanted to talk about turning over a new decade, and entering the 5th one, no less! Like always, life got in the way – work life, to be specific – not the writer’s block life which has delayed (canceled?) so many of my other posts over the years. So then, I was going to turn this post into a gratefulness post for the thanksgiving holiday that would happen about a month later… Clearly that didn’t happen either, so now, this is going to become a New year post, too! (which is also 7 days late, and I forced myself to sit down on a Sunday evening and write because next whole week is going to be hectic! #killmenow)
Anyway, let’s start with the birthday feelings… It was a milestone birthday – I had so many emotions and realizations (and of course, questions) coursing through me for days! But among them, one thought spoke loud and clear to me – no, not the thought that I am becoming old – that ship sailed several birthdays ago!! 😀 No, but for several years I have joked on my every birthday that I wonder what I did all these years, that I had hardly anything to show for my existence on earth! But somehow, somewhere down the line as I began to converge on the end of my 4th decade, I started realizing that I was wrong – I have done so much! I may not have “achieved” as much as people my age have, but I have done the doing part, and how! And that is apart from the humdrum of suburban middle-class checkpoint, i.e., get a degree, get a job, get married, have and raise a kid, etc. etc. From teaching in slums and redlight areas, editing magazines (in Marathi nonetheless), leading (herding) different groups at different points in time (hopefully and somewhat evidently NOT to their doom 😛 ), dancing, acting, and singing at competitions and events, organizing events and outings, delivering speeches, participating in quizzes and games of several kinds, travelling, mothering, learning, doing yoga, studying, translating (remind me to sometime blog about those mad experiences involving a mental institution and a courthouse, no less 😀 ), reading, compering, philosophizing, arguing (duh!), to writing (although not so much in the last several years) – I have lived several lives in these last 4 decades! Even professionally my work has been so diverse! I’ve worked as a software programmer and a technical writer in the IT industry in India for 5+ years (with end to end software development – from requirements to production testing with UX thrown in for good measure); then had to take a break for 5 years and be a stay-at-home wife/mother because I moved to the US with my husband and had work visa issues and then some other issues and then had a baby and so on; then got back into the workforce as a fresher in the automotive industry, learnt concepts from scratch, worked in OBD for 5+ years, moved on to Requirements and Systems Engineering; and who knows what I’ll do next! Loooong story short, I no longer feel inadequate! At 40, I guess that’s a breakthrough 🙂
And that’s also a segue to the next topic – giving thanks! Even if my journey has been hard, I am grateful that it has been fulfilling – or at least many of its parts are! Along with that, and I know I am the complaining kind (because I value honesty over everything else), I am also very grateful for my husband and daughter! My husband is the calm to my (raging) storm, and my daughter is the spark that rekindles my fire! 🙂 
Together they help keep me sane, even though they sometimes drive me insane! 😀 2023, especially, has been a very tough year for me, what with soul-sucking work and people being people (read: annoying, inconsiderate, or just plain indifferent), but there certainly have been moments of sheer happiness and contentment – and more than that, of <ting!> self-realization and awareness. I am the most thankful for those!
As always, when I talk about the new year, i.e. 2024, I have to talk about resolutions. Even though I keep having to make the same resolutions every year, my OCD brain still cannot let go of them! This year, of course I am still going to make and break (and beat up myself over) my usual tangible resolutions: eat better, exercise more, have more discipline, yada yada; but I have decided to make some non-tangible ones too:
- STOP making new friends or rekindling old friendships: As I approached 40, I thought I was too old to get hurt by friends, or people who I thought were my friends. As it turns out, I was proven wrong at least twice this year – once by a new friend and the other time by a very very old friend! I obviously don’t want to dwell on the details but it also made me realize that making friends is not worth the emotional investment and imminent heartbreak that almost always comes with trying to find someone you can gel with, bond with, trust, or just have plain comfortable camaraderie with. These things shouldn’t be hard, but such are the times we live in!
- Nevertheless, do not lose my innocence, my sensitive side: You read that right, even if I don’t want to “be friends” with people, I can never allow myself to be aloof or unkind or insensitive with them, because that’s simply not me. I have always been a sensitive and invested and communicative person – I care, and I also want to be cared about; and while I want to stop expecting things from people, I shouldn’t have to change my personality because of them. You know, the whole “it’s not me, it’s them” shebang! 😀 But how do I keep my personality alive and kicking while not depending on others? The answer to that is my next resolution!
- Write more, write personal, do not hold back: So I realized that the only way to satisfy my need for communication, camaraderie, and caring (and complaining :D) is through writing! I have the gift of the gab (and a teensy bit of writing talent), and if people are not worthy of my words or feelings, I will make my writing worthy of them (them = feelings, not people 😀 sorry couldn’t resist! :P) The most challenging part will be being able to be completely open and honest and unbidden in writing my personal stuff, knowing it could be read by anyone and everyone (though may be even no one, given how I hardly have any readers left- there are pros and cons to everything, man! 😛 )! But like the great V. P. Kale wrote in his book ‘Partner’ – one of my favorite reads from last year, “The more personal you write, the more universal it becomes”! Hoping to imbibe that principle in my writing this year.
- Be more vocal with my opinions when warranted: I know this is contrary to what world wisdom is all about, but I have always regretted NOT saying something way more and many more times than saying something unnecessarily. Of course, walking away instead will still be the best option where my opinion won’t matter or when not stating that opinion won’t affect something important to me. But other than those situations, the amount of work it takes to stay silent is just not worth avoiding “offending” someone (or the other, or another, you get the gist…!)
- STOP being so harsh on myself: When people ask me how I have the confidence to do such-and-such thing, I tell them it’s the opposite of self-confidence, it’s self-expectation! And it’s true – I expect myself to be a certain way and to be able to do certain things, and thus take it upon myself to do those things. And, I judge myself very harshly if I don’t live up to my own standards. So basically, my self-expectation leads to me having low self-confidence and then I judge myself! That’s the meanest vicious circle if there ever was one! So, I need to stop blaming myself so much, to stop taking things personally (yeah yeah the same shebang I referred to earlier 🙂 )
So, that’s all for now, people! I will try to keep you updated on how things go, and also semi-promise to write more frequently. Oh, I forgot to wish you, didn’t I!! Happy New year, everyone! Hope this year brings you everything you wish for and more! Keep smiling and stay golden! (And try guessing what the image to the left is all about :D. Yeah, you already know I am quirky! 😛 Ciao for now!
Amruta's Writing Block! 